Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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