I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
