i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
