after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
