I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
