I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
