I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
