So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
