if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize