So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
