My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
