Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
