Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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