I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
