take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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