I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
