how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
