did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
