I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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