Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
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