i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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