I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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