Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
