if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
im on a boat
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