So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think my fart just growled at me.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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