Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize