sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
