Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
