Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
