I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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