The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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