Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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