Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
