So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
