I'm eating all of the evidence.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
