I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he was CRYING into my vagina
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
