i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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