You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I enjoy the company of your penis
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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