I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
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