took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
