Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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