dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
