dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
