I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
