i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
