What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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