I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
