so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
