the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
