I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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