pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
