did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize