I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
