ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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