then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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