I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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