i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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